Thursday, May 11, 2006

I'm A Green-Eyed Monster

Yup, i'm officially a green-eyed monster.

A friend of mine asked me to delete the previous post where i said rather..erm "bad" stuff about my roomie. Her reason was not to let the "whole world" know about my problem with her. And, i told her i would.
i guess i would have to break my promise. Because i realised that what i had posted was my exact feelings at THAT particular moment. Eventhough i have not reconciled with my roomie, but right now i'm not upset at my her anymore.
I think to delete the post will be like denying my true self. I'll keep it as a "remembrance" of how "evil n angry" i was. Hahaha..i sound fact, i sound old -_-" Sheesh..

Before i continue, i would like to make my humblest (is there even such a word???) to my roomie. In case she reads this, or anyone told or informed her about my bad-mouthing her. I would like to say, Sorry girl. I know you said those kind of things because that is exactly how you are. And well, this is jz me.. So we're equal basically. Hahaha..

Well, now its about me being a green-eyed monster.. And yet again it has some connection with my current roomie =)
Actually, i hv been envious of ppl before this, but back then..things were less "stressful". I mean like even when i was jealous of my friends before, it would effect my self-esteem that much. Maybe its bcoz u dont face ur frens 24hours in sec school. But in INTEC, i face my roomie, almost, ALMOST 24 hours a day. Now..that's scary.
When i first registered in INTEC, i was with my mum and other than that, no one form my sec school was there. So i was alone n had to make new friends. I knew nobody. Yup..the poor outlier. Hahaha...i'm kidding =P
Back to story, my roomie was also registering the same time as me and she was queueing up jz in front of me. And i can still remember how much i was taken in by her beauty. Okie, dont get me wrong, i'm NOT a lesbian. I'm not. Well, i know ppl who would say
"the more you deny, the more ppl will think its true"
so duh...its true!! i'm a lesbian..burn me!
HAhaha...i'm jz joking. REALLY!
(i think i studied a little too much..i'm mad)

To cut a long story short, i ended up as her housemate at first. And during this semester i bcame her roomie.
In the beginning, when i first entered INTEC, i was this

1. a short haired girl whose hair ,as some claimed, is NEVER combed.
Please, dont blame me. My short has always looked uncombed eventhough i combed about being presentable. '

2. i had a serious acne problem. I still hv it, but at least its a LOT better than before and i am more than happy with the way it is now..but its getting worse again..might be the stress from studying *sobs*

Back then i lacked self-esteem. Maybe i didnt really show it, but i myslef felt it.
I was unhappy that other ppl had flawless skin and i used to cry bcoz of it.
And, having this really beautiful girl as my housemate was NOT a big help.
In fact, her presence made me feel even insecure.

Yup, i was a green-eyed monster.
I was envious of her beauty.
So i consoled myself by thinking "mayb she isnt as good as me in studies"
then came the 1st test, which she scored better than me.
-_-" so much about her my being better.
I couldnt find a single thing which i was better than her in.
I felt so desperately miserable.
after some time,
somehow i managed to cure that "disease" of mine.
I forgot how it happened, but it jz did. I didnt really bother about it, and it became a natural thing.
She is she.
And i am me. We're different ppl.

BUT, of course the jealousy does come back once in awhile.
So, i do get unhappy sometimes. Like in the previous post, i would say i was totally acting like a really mean monster, glowing in bright geen inside out.
Its not a lovely sight.
i Know it makes me look ugly,
BuT, i can't help it.

And that day i bumped into an article about controlling jealousy.
It said something which sounds like this
" stop comparing yourself with others. Its that easy"
I agreed everything the article said. Except the part which it said EASY.
it were that EASY. The whole world would be happy. No one would be sad.
IF only it were true.
i can blab more about how ppl compare BOTH consciously and unconsciously.
I wish i could say i am happy with the way i am now, but there'll always be times when i'll morph into an ugly green-eyed monster.

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